I posted a little bit about this in an Insta post last week and felt that I should probably elaborate. I’m learning that as women, well, really as humans in general, we hide so much. We hide truths about ourselves, about our lives, all for fear of rejection- fear of judgement. This site, is not for any of that friend! I promised transparency, even if it’s ugly.
I’ll admit, I am the first person to get all down on myself, my life! Some [most] days I am so worn down that I really, honestly, do not know if or how I will make it as a mom. I wonder if everyone has these days. I wonder if everyone has these days as often as I have these days. I wonder how these super moms survive without yelling. Survive and still hold it all together. How do they make it look so dad-gum easy?! And here’s the ugly part… I question whether I was really supposed to be a mom at all.
You know when you’re in your late teens, early twenties, playing the dating game. Every guy you date you think is going to be your husband. You plan an imaginary future, build the imaginary farmhouse, name the imaginary kids, and adopt the imaginary four legged fur baby. As someone who was NEVER the baby sitting type, I will be painfully truthful here and say I sincerely disliked kids [yes, I’m a terrible person]. But that is the truth. I had one niece that was twelve years younger than me and she was the only child I really liked. And when I say liked I actually mean tolerated. She was, and is still, perfect in every way- beautiful, funny, and MINE! But still, I was not the sit on the floor, play games, change my voice to sound like a toddler kind of aunt. Nope, not me at all! When she got old enough to do fun things like go to the movies, shop for make-up, or gossip about other family members, we became thick as thieves and she is my Sister Girl to this day! But when sitting in the group of besties planning out our future lives and picket fences, I always said I would have four kids. Of course, I imagined them to be girls because I didn’t have a clue what to do with boys and truth #5837 of this post, boys have too many appendages between their legs for me to even know where to start! Not only did I predict I would have four kiddos, that were girls, but I they would all be close in age for the selfish fact that I was NOT going to be raising kids forever. I wanted to be a young [hot] mama and have my kids grown by the ripe age of 40 because good gracious, I still want to have some fun in this life. Oh, the things a twenty year old says and thinks! On top of all of that, our family would not be complete with out a dog. No, not some small lap dog. I had grown up with larger dogs and that’s what we would have, some massive dog to seal the deal! Keep in mind, I would have NEVER mentioned any of this to my, now, husband. I mean, I do sound like quite the brat after all!
Fast forward eight years, three boys, and a huge Great Dane later- here we are! When I stop and think about everything I asked for, my life actually doesn’t seem that far off, does it?! Granted, I never asked for a traveling husband. And technically I didn’t ask for boys, but God has his own humor and I’m pretty dang glad for it! On my low days, which recently are a lot of days, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the house chores, the meals, the school activities [my oldest is just now about to start Kindergarten, so I really have no clue about school activities- Jesus lay hands on me!], the constant bickering, and dependence of the kids on me for every.single.thing! I can’t tell you how many times I have locked myself in the bathroom, turned on every water faucet I could find, put the toilet seat down, and hid!! But at the end of it all, I have gotten exactly what I asked for!
Just remember mama, the days are long, but the years are short! This season will pass before we know it and before we are ready. So for now, put yourself in time out, count to ten [or fifty], take a deep breath and just know, you are NOT alone!!