So many days I feel like I failed. Either I spent too much time on work, I yelled at the kids more than yesterday [ yes, I yell…. I have three boys], I picked up fast food for dinner one too many nights or I let the boys eat lunchables for lunch AND dinner [maybe even breakfast..]. I never made it around the cleaning the house like I wanted and I’ve rewashed the same load of laundry three times because I can’t manage to get it moved over to the dryer in a timely manner. The kids wanted to go swim today, but my goodness the trip to Petco for dog food and to Kroger for human food just about did my nerves in – for their safety, we should definitely NOT go swimming [but they won’t understand that].
F A I L U R E S.
Last night, I was laying in the boys’ room with them, like I do every night until they fall asleep. I was sure I was winning and they had all drifted off into dream land. All of a sudden my five year old walks down the steps from his bunk bed and starts crying in front of me. I walked him out of the bed room in an attempt to avoid waking the other two littles. One thing you should know about this kiddo here is, while he is the oldest [only 5], he is wise and emotional beyond his years + his imagination is larger than this world! Once we made it far enough away from the bed room so we could talk, I sat on the floor with him and asked him why in the world he was crying? Was he hurt? Was he sick?
His response brought tears to my eyes. He said “I don’t want to grow up!!” I couldn’t figure out why my son wouldn’t want to grow up! Isn’t it every child’s dream [and biggest rush] to grow up?! Of course I asked him why he didn’t want to grow up and he hesitated and said “You’re an adult, you don’t know these things…”. I pried some more. “Buddy, please tell me what has you so upset about growing up”. And finally he spilled the beans, “I don’t want to grow up because, I don’t want you to be a grandma… I want you to stay my mama forever!”
And right then, with my heart in a puddle, my soul was crying tears of happiness. I explained to my big boy that I would always be his mama – and that I wasn’t going to be a grandma for a LONG time! But even after that, I would forever be his mama!
As I rocked my five year old to sleep, with his feet dangling near my ankles [something that hasn’t been done in I cannot even remember when]. I realized, I didn’t fail. I raise boys. I rule with a loud voice but it’s necessary. I work hard and it shows them perseverance and drive. They are taught yes ma’am and no sir and that everything in life is worked for. I sit with them and chat or watch movies instead of worrying if the clothes are moved over. We bond over Mexican restaurant trips [just me and my three guys]. They eat lunchables and occasionally snag a sucker on the way to school in the morning, and I believe they are learning to not sweat the big stuff?! Either way, they are learning. They are happy. And as happy as I am to be their mom, they are happy to have me too!
We don’t fail. We may stumble. We may not be the exact mom we had hoped for. I’ll be honest, I was so excited that I was going to breast feed my children, we were going to be an organic family, and I was going to be the crafty mom that made the best treats in school!! Reality – I gave those babies a bottle for my own sanity, we eat what makes them happy, and for the love of all things glitter and glue, where did the time go that I was going to spend crafting and baking goodies for these kids’ classes?! None of these are failures. They are life! I will always strive to be better, to do better. But for right now, I’m winning in my own little game and I will choose to be joyous in it!